I miss my dad. I miss him a lot. I try not to cry but I cant help it... the tears and memories just keep coming. I try to cry as quietly as possible cause it's 2:32 in the morning and I dont want to wake my sister. I think I have maybe once or twice cried in front of my family members. Well I have cried multiple times when I was a little kid but I'm talking more like after I turned 12, I guess. And the reason why? Why I try to be strong and tough? Cause if I'm not strong, if I'm not tough, there's nothing left but a pathetic human being. I dont think there would be anything in myself that I would like. So that's why I have to, at least, be strong. 

But I dont want to be strong. I just want one person that would listen and just hug me while I cry. I have friends but with them I just feel that I have to be strong too or I'm no different from other people. I meet this one guy and thought that to him I could tell anything but now... " I'm fine. I'm ok. I'm good. Everything is great." Lies after lies. Just cause I'm scared to be weak. Especially in other peoples eyes. People that I care of. I'm so afraid that I will lose them. Right now I could just open my skype and tell him, but I can't. I don't know why. I'm trying to understand but all I know is that I'm scared and I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be like others. 

Mabe I can't tell people cause I'm playing the stupid role. I mean literally the stupid-carefree-always-happy person. I can't be sad. I remember the day when I heard that dad was dead. Next day: to school like nothing was wrong. Laughing with friends, telling stupid jokes to each other. And people wonder why I get pissed when other people comes to school and start telling everyone, and I mean EVERYFUCKINGONE, that some relative of theirs is dead.

I'm sorry people. I'm probably just tired and in the morning when I'm reading this I will probably be hitting my head against a wall and yell stupid. Either cause I realize how stupid I sound or cause I didn't read to my history test that is tomorrow. Well, actually, today. 

Anyway. Hasta la vista! Don't really wanna read this but meh... I can always delete it.